so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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