He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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