It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
