So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Randomize
