Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
