Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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