im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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