The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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