There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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