Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
