My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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