She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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