those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
