Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
