Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize