I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have aggressive nipples.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
