i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize