so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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