Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
