This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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