It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
