apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
