How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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