i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
