The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
