Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
