Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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