Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
