ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
