Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize