I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
