It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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