sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
