end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
