so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
