Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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