can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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