Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
