i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize