I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
