Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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