Just fell off a train. Bad.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
