i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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