thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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