but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
