Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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