why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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