I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
