I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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