i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
