Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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