it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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