I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
