I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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