You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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