Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
