I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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